I took a chance, I said, “When do you think we might have a baby?” The reply, “Not until you can get your emotions under control.” I was shocked! What? My emotions under control?! That is what he thinks!? So I am at his mercy of living with no emotions, no feelings, no laughter, no crying, no anything for how much longer? With no end date, because, I had been living like this for 5 years already. Hiding every sorrow, every feeling every emotion, keeping a straight face, always saying, “I’m fine,” to him when asked how I was, because he never wanted to know any differently. His cold, callused heart, always shoving every situation under the rug like dust, never to return to any topic, always avoiding, ignoring, focused purely on his own needs and desires.
I could not take it any longer, it hurt too much too deeply, this God-given desire for children of my own one day would never be. I grew up with a happy family of eight, sure it had its ups and downs too, but nothing like what I had been enduring all these years. This was unbelievable! I was trapped in a marriage that made me feel like I was the most unlovable creature on earth, the ugliest woman that ever existed, and surely the saddest human being. Thoughts of suicide ran through my head on a regular basis, the fight or flight mechanism was always firing off in my brain. Depression was so real every day as I had no way out. If I earned money, he would take it out of my purse to use for himself, the bank accounts were in his name, I had no credit cards in my name, no access to money. He would hide large amounts of cash all over the house so I could not find it. The list of horrors goes on.
He marched off to the Neon across the street without me. He then climbed into the back seat and crouched down really low. I could only see his eyes peering over the edge of the back car door, stalking me from a distance. My hair on my head began to crawl as I felt his black eyes glaring at me from across the street. I turned away from him, my back vulnerable for an attack. I looked way off into the distance, I stood there for what seemed an eternity, praying to God, tears spilling down my face. The sky was beginning to clear. In the black, moonless night, the stars began to burn bright. A little shadow of hope washed over me, off in the distance fireworks were being shot off in celebration of the American Independence Day. My heart was warmed for a moment, the longing for home so great that it took the will to commit suicide away just for the time being.
That moment vanished, as I stood in my reality. I did not care what happened to me any more! As the night wore on, a man in an old pickup truck began to circle the park, watching me, stalking me. Again and again he would pass by, not seeing the man in the Neon car, figuring I was all alone in the park. Time ticked by, I did not want to get back in the Neon to drive home, only to be trapped in my house with my husband. I was so scared, frightened to the core, my legs were beginning to feel like jelly, ready to give out from underneath me at any moment, my heart was giving up, the will to go on completely stripped from my soul. The man in the truck continued to circle the park, creeping by as I watched him from the corner of my eye. I was frozen in time, afraid to move. I began to reason with myself that either way, getting raped or going home to a man who was going to destroy me, mattered no more.
I began to pray for courage, for strength, for the will power to overcome the darkness of my soul and the night. I turned and walked to the car, still seeing the beady, sinister eyes of my husband peering at me from a crouched position in the back. I wanted to vomit, to vomit every thought, every hurt, every sorrow, every injury caused by this man. I got into the front seat to start the car. He said, “Do you know that man drove by you over 20 times?” Again anger began to fill my heart at the thought of him merely counting the times I was circled by the stalker rather than come to my rescue like I had hoped he would. A longing hope that he would shift his mindset and want to take care of the woman sitting before him. It would never be. He then proceeded to tell me that I needed to apologize!
Apologize for what?!!! This was ridiculous! “For what!” I yelled back at him. “You know,” came the reply. I began to list every single thing I could possibly think of, “I am sorry for having emotions, I am sorry for hurting your feelings, I am sorry that I upset you while we were driving, I am sorry I brought up having a baby, I am sorry for crying…….I am sorry…..I am sorry…..sorry…….sorry for……..and on and on I went, and it was never enough, never what he wanted to hear. Never the right apology, never……just never……
I hate my life! Why should anyone endure such misery, such brutality?! The voices in my head, a constant companion, they never comfort, only condemn, criticize, and destroy just as loudly as the voice of the man I was married to. After 10 years of horror, and three kids later, I finally broke free! And that is why today, I share with you from my heart! From an escape to a second chance of life. To live to the fullest, to open Hummingbird Yoga, a studio that reaches the hidden recesses of the heart of all who enter. Those who are looking for healing from physical, emotional, and mental anguish. As well as a place for those who are absolutely loving life and excited to try something new, to challenge mind, heart and soul to exceed limitations placed on self.
I have written many true stories of my ventures. My escapes, healing, recovery, being vulnerable to you, the reader. All in hopes of encouraging you in your walk of life to stay strong, stand up for yourself, for your truth, to hold your head high, to walk with humble pride, smiling at total strangers, inspiring others with the stories of your life, and loving the journey you are on. If you are not loving your journey, jump off the crazy ride and get on a new path!